This is a really difficult subject for me to talk about, which is probably why it’s still a major problem in my life. I felt vulnerable and anxious at the thought of sharing this, but I think as part of moving forward, I need to be honest with myself and honest with the people I love. So here goes nothing.
Full disclosure: I see a therapist. If you don’t, you should. Everyone should, they are amazing and life changing but unfortunately, they usually have a bad rap.
I had my first session with a new therapist last night and I already love her. She specializes in eating disorders.
Why do I need a therapist specializing in eating disorders you ask? Well, me and food don’t have a very healthy relationship. It’s actually incredibly dysfunctional. If food were a person it would be arrested for domestic battery, I would get a restraining order against it and we would probably end up on the Jerry Springer show, security guards pulling us apart while we screamed at each other and threw punches. But after the show, we would make up. I’d say to food, “I can’t live without you!” And food would say, “You don’t have to baby, I’ll always be here for you.”
If someone is anorexic you would probably feel terrible for them, and it would be clear that they need help to change their self perception and eating habits. But if you are overweight, you’re just fat. And most people probably think you deserve to be that way.
Just eat healthy!
Go to the gym!
Get off your lazy ass and do something about it!
If only it were that easy. (PS It’s NOT)
I’ve spent half my life fighting with my weight. Several times I have lost quite a bit, only to gain it back plus some more, just for good measure. Externally it may seem like I’ve given up, I’m at my all time highest weight and I have no plans to “diet” ever again.
But what you can’t see is me, underneath all the weight, how I cry because I feel so lost. How I worry that I’m going to die young because I’m at high risk for Type II Diabetes or cancer or heart disease or all of the above. You can’t see how much I hate myself for ending up here and how hopeless it feels.
So this is me, putting it out there. I’m releasing all the anger, disappointment, guilt and sadness. I’m done living my life this way. DONE.
Whatever it takes, I’m taking it! I’m on the edge of something big, I can feel it. And I think it’s going to be amazing. ♥