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Losing It.

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When you have a baby, you lose a part of yourself. Physically you lose your baby belly and any sort of muscle definition you once had in your abdominal region. I’ll be honest, I was rocking a pretty sweet Buddha belly to begin with, but the c-section really upped the ante and now I’ve totally got the Mom pooch going on.

You lose your hair too, did you know that? Around 3 months postpartum it starts to shed. As someone who already had alarmingly thin hair for a 31 year old, this has been a particularly horrifying side effect of motherhood for me. By the time I have our next baby it’s going to be so thin I’m going to have to start sporting a Beiber combover.

But it’s more than just physical changes. In many ways I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self. I’m never alone. Ever. Your existence has nothing to do with yourself anymore, you live for that little baby. And part of that is amazingly beautiful. My body is sustaining this little boy that I created. He may be in this world, but he is still connected to me and counts on me for his very survival. Then there is the other part of me, the resentful raging side of me that JUST WANTS TO BE ALONE FOR ONE GODDAMN MINUTE.

And then of course, there’s losing sleep. I can’t even begin to tell you how little I sleep. The reason I can’t tell you this is because I am so tired I can barely string together more than two words to form a sentence. My vocabulary is at about a first grade level, except when every now and then I’ll throw in a big word, like Stephanie Meyer does in Twilight.

But before everyone starts running off to get their reproductive bits tied off, hear me out. It’s not all bad. Obviously. Or no one would do this. And I would have run off to Mexico rather than stick it out with my monkeyface.

I love Emmett so much that every night when I put him down for bed, a tiny part of me can’t wait until he wakes up so that I can nurse him and cuddle him in bed. And as I pointed out just a moment ago, I don’t sleep anymore. And I LOVE sleep. I am so tired that if the Devil suddenly appeared in my bedroom I would seriously consider selling him my soul for just one night of uninterrupted sleep. But I wouldn’t do it, because it would mean missing my nighttime cuddles with Emmett.

I’ve lost many things in the last 5 months, but what I have gained is a son.

And he is worth it all. And then some.

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