4:30 am- Emmett cries for a bottle. Chris and I battle over who feeds him.
6:30 am- Alarm goes off. Hit snooze. Secretly hope the power goes out in the next ten minutes so I can “accidentally” oversleep.
6:45 am- Roll out of bed, stumble into the shower. Wash off baby drool and Puffs stuck to my face from Emmett’s dinner last night.
7:00 am- Wake up the baby. I like to fling open the door and start singing “Good Morning” from the movie Singing in the Rain at the top of my lungs. How does it feel to wake up to screeching, baby?
7:30 am- Feed Emmett while he blows raspberries at me.
7:35 am- Change out of formula soaked shirt.
7:40 am- Apply several layers of concealor, foundation, powder, and various other potions to make myself look less like the walking zombie that I am.
7:45 am- Kiss Monkeyface goodbye, get covered in slobber.
8:00 am- Arrive at work. Miss my baby.
8:15 am- Walk to get coffee. Triple latte. Ahhh, caffeine. We meet at last.
8:30 am- In a burst of caffeinated energy, try to get some work done.
10:30 am- Miss my baby.
10:35 am- Look at pictures of my baby.
10:40 am- Show my co-workers pictures of my baby.
10:45 am- Try to get some more work done.
11:00 am- Notice my nail polish is chipped. Add manicure on to do list.
11:30 am- Latte is wearing off. Zone out for 15 minutes.
11:45 am- Miss my baby.
11:50 am- Look at pictures of my baby.
11:55 am- Tell my co-workers a cute story about Emmett. It will inevitably involve drool or poop.
12:00 pm- So tired. Need sugar. Eat some candy. Mmm…
12:05 pm- Day dream about being a stay at home Mom and playing in the park with Emmett.
12:10 pm- Lunch
12:15 pm- Make Dr. appointment for Emmett. Fill out passport documents for Emmett. Plan out meals for Emmett. Wonder if it’s time we switch to size 4 nipples on Emmett’s bottles. Emmett needs some laundry done tonight. We need to start teaching Emmett baby sign language. Look into this at home tonight.
12:35 pm- Check facebook. Look at pictures of my baby.
12:40 pm- Set new picture of Emmett as my desktop background.
12:45 pm- Fantasize about my life as a rich stay at home Mom with a Nanny so I can be a gym bunny, lose my Mom pooch and make dinners like “Pork Medallions with Balsamic Reduction” for my husband.
1:00 pm- Miss my baby so much that I break down and text the Nanny, begging for a picture.
1:05 pm- Stare at the picture Nanny texted. Cry because I miss my baby.
1:15 pm- Fine, I’ll do some work.
3:15 pm- Start getting excited about going home. Picture the look on Emmett’s face when I walk in the door. Heart melt.
4:30 pm- 8 hours done! Hallelujah, I’m going home!
4:50 pm- Arrive at home, walk in and see Emmett grin and watch as he wiggles for a Mommy hug.
4:55 pm- Squeeze the beejezzus out of my baby. Kiss him from head to toe.
5:00 pm- Dinner for Emmett. Feed him cut up chicken and mushy veg.
5:10 pm- Emmett starts squawking and pounding his high chair. Not so loud baby, please. Mommy is tired!
5:15 pm- Monkeyface screams for some Puffs, OR ELSE.
5:20 pm- Bow to the Monkey and give him what he demands. More screaming. Master is displeased.
5:25 pm- Wish I was back at work where people don’t scream and throw food at me.
5:26 pm- Feel an incredible wave of guilt wash over me as I am most surely the worst Mother who ever lived.
5:27 pm- Clean off the food coated baby, much to his displeasure. Ear drums have now burst with the high pitched screams.
5:28 pm- Wish I was on a white sandy beach with a mango margarita IV drip.
5:29 pm- Consider throwing in the towel and taking a tequila shot.
5:30 pm- Fall to my knees and praise the Lord for making the Fisher Price Rainforest Jumperoo.
6:00 pm- Renforcements arrive.
6:30 pm- Emmett and Daddy rough house. Gotta tire that boy out some way, some how.
6:45 pm- Lightweight Daddy collapses to the ground, triumphant, Emmett crawls onto him and slaps him around a bit.
7:00 pm- Bath time. Sweet little baby loves his bath and drinks half the tub.
7:10 pm- After every bath, we show Emmett his reflection and say “Clean baby!” and he giggles and kicks his legs.
7:15 pm- Attempt to put a diaper and jammies on the boy, he prefers to be naked. Power struggle ensues.
7:20 pm- Read Emmett bed time story and snuggle. Stroke his soft baby hair. Soak up every moment and store it up for tomorrow, when I’ll be away from him again.
7:25 pm- Feed him is last bottle, snuggle. Fight the urge to bring him into bed with me instead of putting him in his crib.
7:30 pm- Bedtime for babies.
7:31 pm- Sit down. Deep sigh.
7:32 pm- Clean up Emmett’s dinner mess. Load the dishwasher, clean the kitchen, pack Emmett’s lunch, pack my lunch, clean up baby toys.
8:30 pm- Zone out.
9:00 pm- Wash face. Brush teeth. Try to find something to wear tomorrow that’s not covered in baby goo. Fail.
9:15 pm- Zone out.
9:30 pm- Bedtime for Mommies.
1:30 am- Emmett cries. Get up, insert paci. Shhhhh him. Creep out of room.
3:30 am- Emmett cries. Get up, insert paci. Shhhhh him. Stumble into the wall in a sleepy stupor.
4:30 am- Emmett cries. Fight with Chris over who has to feed him.
Lather, rinse, repeat.