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Monthly Archives: July 2012

Purpose.

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There was a time several months ago when I felt like my life had become stagnant.  I was simply going through the motions each day, but not really living.

I know now that this was, in large part, due to PPD.  But it was more than that, I had also lost any sense of purpose in my life.   Yes, I am raising a sweet little boy.  I have a loving and supportive husband, a thriving career, amazing friends and a wonderful family.  Clearly, there is a purpose to my existence.  But from a purely selfish perspective, I felt none.

The problem was I wasn’t doing anything that was just for ME.  Every.single.thing I did was for someone else.   It wasn’t until I realized that grocery shopping by myself had become my “me time” that it was time to rethink my priorities.

Here is where I feel the need to make sure you know how much I love my family.  How much I love being a Mom, how lucky I feel to have married the most wonderful man I have ever met, and how fortunate I am to have my life.  I know all this, and I count my blessings often.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I still want to be my own person, that I still want something that is just mine.

So the timing was right when my co-worker mentioned that she had signed up for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer.  I’ve always wanted to train for a race, but the trouble is I hate running.  Hate.  But walking?  Yes, I could do this.

I thought about it for less than 48 hours.   My husband, who is unable to make a snap decision to save his life, was completely blindsided by my announcement.  He worried that I hadn’t thought this through, he worried that if I didn’t succeed that this could drive me even deeper into my depression sinkhole, he just wanted to protect me.

Let’s just pause here and take a moment to recognize how sweet my husband is.  ♥

I just knew that I had to do this; I felt a spark ignite inside of me.  This was one of those life-defining moments when you just KNOW that this is the right thing to do.  And as it turns out (so far), I was right.

It may be difficult to understand, but this walk has been instrumental in casting off the final shadows grasping onto my heart and has given me a renewed sense of purpose.  I’m finally doing something just for ME for the first time in almost 2 years.   And it feels amazing.

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Fighting back.

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When I stumble upon something I like, I latch on to it like this baby sloth did with his foster Momma.

Remember when you were a teenager and you’d sit in your room for hours listening to Brian Adams “Everything I do” over and over and over again?

Was that just me?

Oh…awkward…

Well, I still do this with books, movies, and music.  My current obsession is a song by Mumford & Sons called “Roll Away Your Stone”.  Not only does this song have a banjo in it, which is super hipster and cool of them, but it so beautifully captures my feelings on what I’ve been through and my glorious return to normalcy.

“Darkness is a harsh term don’t you think?
And yet it dominates the things I’ve seen.”

PPD is a darkness that you can’t describe, and while it may sound like a dramatic description, it is a fairly accurate one.  You live in a cloud of despair and sadness, and it dominates your life.

But I fought back.  I fought with every fiber of my being, trying to reclaim myself and my life.  It took 2 years, countless visits to my therapist and yes, even some medication, before I felt the fog lift.

“Stars hide your fires
These here are my desires
And I won’t give them up to you this time around
And so I’ll be found
With my stake stuck in this ground
Marking the territory of this newly impassioned soul”

The fight was worth it, because this is how I feel now.  I’ve found myself again, I’m voicing my desires and I will not give up on myself again.

Never again.

Happiness is…

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These days I try to focus on what makes me happy rather than dwelling on what’s wrong with me, why Emmett won’t stop throwing tantrums, how we will ever fix up our house, or what the hell is wrong with the world  today.  Not to paint myself as a Suzy Sunshine by any means, because I definitely am not.  But I’ve realized that if I want to be happy I have to work at it, and so I do.
Yesterday I was in a crabby mood.  Nothing terrible happened, just a bad night of sleep and lots of minor annoyances that I didn’t feel like dealing with.

So I painted my nails, which usually makes me feel better.  But last night I took it one step further, I painted a rainbow on my fingers and toes.

Yes, I kind of look like an 8 year old, but you know what?  It makes me happy.  I smile inwardly every time I catch a glimpse of my colorful nails.  Just try not to look too closely at my cuticles because they are decidedly unhappy.
Also, don’t make fun of my second toe.  The fact that it is longer than my big toe actually means I am a genius.  IN YOUR FACE ALL YOU SHORT TOED DUMMIES!!

365 more days.

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It’s been almost a year since my last post.  A year of living in a dark hole that I thought I would never be able to claw my way out of.  But I did, and this has since turned into one of the most amazing years of my life.

I have struggled with how much of the last two years I felt comfortable sharing with the entire world.  With family, friends, co-workers, strangers.  Will people think I am crazy?  A bad Mom?  A drama queen?  But the more I share my experiences from my (almost) 2 years of Motherhood, the more healed I feel.

So here it is, I’m coming out of the Mommycloset:  I have been battling Postpartum OCD, Anxiety and Depression for the last 2 years.  And I’m tired of pretending that nothing happened, not so much because I want people to pity me, but because I want to celebrate how far I’ve come and how amazing I feel now.

So I think I’m going to start blogging again and tell my story.   I want to purge the sadness and dance in the sunshine.