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Purpose.

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There was a time several months ago when I felt like my life had become stagnant.  I was simply going through the motions each day, but not really living.

I know now that this was, in large part, due to PPD.  But it was more than that, I had also lost any sense of purpose in my life.   Yes, I am raising a sweet little boy.  I have a loving and supportive husband, a thriving career, amazing friends and a wonderful family.  Clearly, there is a purpose to my existence.  But from a purely selfish perspective, I felt none.

The problem was I wasn’t doing anything that was just for ME.  Every.single.thing I did was for someone else.   It wasn’t until I realized that grocery shopping by myself had become my “me time” that it was time to rethink my priorities.

Here is where I feel the need to make sure you know how much I love my family.  How much I love being a Mom, how lucky I feel to have married the most wonderful man I have ever met, and how fortunate I am to have my life.  I know all this, and I count my blessings often.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I still want to be my own person, that I still want something that is just mine.

So the timing was right when my co-worker mentioned that she had signed up for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer.  I’ve always wanted to train for a race, but the trouble is I hate running.  Hate.  But walking?  Yes, I could do this.

I thought about it for less than 48 hours.   My husband, who is unable to make a snap decision to save his life, was completely blindsided by my announcement.  He worried that I hadn’t thought this through, he worried that if I didn’t succeed that this could drive me even deeper into my depression sinkhole, he just wanted to protect me.

Let’s just pause here and take a moment to recognize how sweet my husband is.  ♥

I just knew that I had to do this; I felt a spark ignite inside of me.  This was one of those life-defining moments when you just KNOW that this is the right thing to do.  And as it turns out (so far), I was right.

It may be difficult to understand, but this walk has been instrumental in casting off the final shadows grasping onto my heart and has given me a renewed sense of purpose.  I’m finally doing something just for ME for the first time in almost 2 years.   And it feels amazing.

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